Is Victorian masturbation anxiety the root cause of England's many World Cup failures? What links Roy Keane to a soldier who never lived but died in the Charge of the Light Brigade? And how did thick mud and wet leather shape the contours of the English soul? In this playful and highly original look at English football, David Winner, author of the acclaimed Brilliant Orange, journeys to the heart of Englishness itself, and shines a peculiar light on the true nature of a rapidly-changing game which was never really meant to be beautiful.