The Portadown News has been passed by the Equality Commission, verified by the Decommissioning Commission, overlooked by the Oversight Commissioner, paraded before the Parades Commission, monitored internationally by the International Monitoring Commission, read out by a parole officer to the Loyalist Commission, registered (we think) with the Electoral Commission, described as 'Wrong' by the Human Rights Commission, reported to the Fair Employment Commission, investigated by the Policing Ombudsman, split into four sections by British Telecom, stitched back together again by Special Branch, coloured in by the Arts Council, discussed at some length by the Bloody Sunday Inquiry, translated into Cantonese by the Ulster-Scots Agency, printed by a company in no way connected to the Northern Ireland Tourist Board, delivered by Translink (except Sundays), distributed by Northern Ireland Electricity with a three-day interruption over Christmas, buried in County Monaghan by Sinn Fein, dug up again and again and again by the Pat Finucane Centre, sold off secretly by the Water Service, placed on a coffee table by the Women's Coalition and thrown away at the last minute by Jeffrey Donaldson. Your statutory rights are not affected.