'What a wonderful collection of old rubbish.' Bill Bryson House of Commons computers are programmed not to accept e-mails which include rude words. Elliot Morley is finding his e-mails are not getting through because his constituency is Scunthorpe. The Sunday Times A Mafia hitman charged with two murders told a court: 'It was not me. That night I was killing someone else.' The Independent My husband died in May. In August a letter arrived from his medical insurance company. It was addressed to 'The Late Mr JS Creighton' and began: 'Welcome to the reassurance of another year of healthcare protection'. The Times Barbara Lewis turned down the date produced for her by an agency in Slough, Buckinghamshire, because the man on offer was the husband she had divorced years ago. The Sun When the Queen visited the Milk Marketing Board's artificial insemination unit she pointed to a specimen and asked: 'What's that?' 'It's a cow's vagina ma'am.' Her Majesty didn't blink, but just said: 'Ask a silly question.' The Observer Luigi Amaduzzi, the Italian ambassador in London, says he will never forget his first visit to an English pub. 'I asked the barmaid if - I could have a quickie. I was mortified when the man next to me said: The word is quiche, pronounced 'queesh'.' The Telegraph Sir, While clearing the house of a deceased aunt we found a box labelled, correctly: 'Pieces of string too short to keep'. The Times Our story about a fire being started by an old pouffe at No.7 Douglas Cottages, as reported last week, referred to an item of furniture and not the owner, Mr Donnie McArthur. The Dunoon Observer My wife was asked to retrieve an important document from the filing system of a fellow secretary who was off sick. After two hours of fruitless search she had to call the unfortunate girl at home to ask its whereabouts. The reply came back: 'I can't spell miscellaneous so I filed it under J for General.' The Times
