Once upon a time you could smoke on a bus, on a train, and in your own office. Imagine! A nicotine habit didn't make you a social leper consigned to hasty, huddled fags on a freezing footpath. Smokers and their habit-free friends enjoyed the sweet smell of tobacco in cosy, confined spaces.

Well those days are going, going, gone. Welcome to a new world order of clean public living and pure air in pubs. Are you ready for it? Are you hell! But don't panic. There'll be no 50 spot fine for continuing to smoke in public just as long as you're clever about it.

Try getting yourself fitted with a catalytic converter. Hide your cigarette inside your asthma inhaler. Smoke through a ventriloquist's dummy. How about wearing a Harry Potter invisibility cloak? This little book holds the secret to a contented cigarette-filled life after the smoking ban. May you puff in peace happily ever after.